An open letter to Lieutenant Governor Diane Denish from a struggling journalist.
Dear Diane:
May I call you Diane? I would like to think we are friends. Well, “friends” might be a stretch. You nodded and winked to me from the podium at a meeting in Albuquerque one day and I nodded and winked back. It was only later I realized you were flirting with your husband sitting next to me.
But we did have breakfast together at the Court Café in Carlsbad years back. I’m trying to remember if I paid. Let me think. No, I didn’t. Stupid me. Also, I’m told you’ve been helpful with a pet project of mine, NewMexicoResources.org, and I appreciate that.
Here’s the thing, though, Diane. We need to talk. You know and I know Mr. Obama is going to choose your boss, my governor, the esteemed Bill Richardson, for some high mucky-muck job in Washington. He will be leaving New Mexico long before anyone blasts into the wild blue yonder from the his beloved spaceport.
I mean, once he gave up on the notion he himself could be president, Big Bill took a front row seat on the Barack Bandwagon. He never got closer to New Mexico than 30,000 feet looking down. You just know it’s payback time.
Our state constitution dictates that you, Diane Denish, will become the new governor. Here’s what I am asking, Diane, and given the depth of our friendship as described above, I think it is a small favor.
Pass. Call a press conference. Say you are happy as Lieutenant Governor, that you serve New Mexico best right where you are. Oh, and say this. Say you are refusing the governor’s job because you want to spend more time with your family. The press eats that stuff up.
You’re wondering why I don’t want you to be governor? Simple. It pretty much puts me out of business. Here’s the thing. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of making fun of Big Bill. How am I supposed to make fun of a girl governor?
Oh, I know. There’s no gender gap any longer. If a woman is in the public arena, she’s fair game. Look what they did to Sarah Palin. Don’t you just know she hates Tina Fey?
Let’s get real, though.
Am I going to start calling you “Big Diane”? No way. I saw your husband. He looks mean.
Then there’s this Super Sized Snicker’s Bar fatty person thing. It’s not going to work with a girl. I would never call you pudgy, Diane. I mean, even if you were pudgy I would not call you that. And just to be clear, you are NOT pudgy.
I don’t think you are going to grow a beard, so that’s out.
Frankly, Diane, you are just a warm, bright, girl next door. There is hardly anything to poke fun about. Oh, I could make a big deal about your high school cheerleader pictures “Deep Pixel” sent me from Hobbs. You were what we called back in my day a “cool chick.” Now, I think they would say you were “off the chain,” but I am not quite sure what that means. If it is in any way offensive please tell Mr. Denish I am sorry.
Please understand I do not write these words of praise because I am hoping to become Director of Communications in a Denish administration. Although, let me say that such an offer would not be rejected outright. I’ll have to check with the family.
(Ned Cantwell – ncantwell@beyondbb.com – spends his free time browsing Santa Fe real estate websites.)