“Dear Lord, as we gather at the table this Thanksgiving let us thank you for our family, our blessings, for gas pump prices below $2 a gallon, for…”
“Excuse me, whoa. I have to interrupt you right now.”
“Interrupt me? I am in the middle of something important here. I am praying to the Lord.”
“I am the Lord.”
“Oh, gosh. Of course! I didn’t recognize you at first. Please, speak to us.”
“Well, this is a first for me. I got a couple of wars going on, people with wretched diseases, not to mention millions of my sons and daughters living in abject poverty. And you guys are praying to me about gas prices? What’s the deal?”
“It’s the morning breakfast talk, God. We live here in New Mexico and no matter where you go in the state, residents think people in another town are getting a better deal. Deming thinks Farmington has better prices, Española complains Santa Fe is cheaper, it goes on and on. No matter where you live, it just costs a whole bunch to fill up your Hummer.”
“Yeah, well, the Hummer wasn’t my idea. I gave you two legs for walking and bike riding, you know. And if you are going to be driving, you don’t need to be wasting precious resources on gas guzzlers. Did you ever hear of hybrids? By the way, I provided you folks on Earth with plenty of oil. What did you do with it all?”
“See, God, here’s the problem. You put most of the oil in the wrong place. Those guys in the Middle East are hard to get along with.”
“Excuse me?? You’re telling me, God, what I should have done with the oil?”
“You know, when you put it that way, God, my objection does sound a tad impertinent. I’m sorry about that. And, hey, as long as we are on the subject of sorry, I have a few other things maybe I need to run by you.”
“Skip it. I’ve been watching you for 70 years. Here’s a bulletin. I’ll be dealing with you later.”
“Whoops.”
“Keep your head on straight. There’s a way out and you know what it is. I can only give you the tools. I can’t make you use them. Oh, I could force you, but it’s not my way. Get yourself a copy of a book called ‘The Shack.’ That guy gets pretty close to the truth.”
“A book recommendation from God is tough to ignore. Eat your heart out, Oprah. I’ll be getting a copy of ‘The Shack.’“
“Who’s ‘Oprah’?”
“Oh, that’s right. You may not pay a lot of attention to American television. By the way, did you actually give your okay to ‘Desperate Housewives’?”
“You don’t catch on too quickly, do you, son? But I knew that. I’ve read your column.”
“You make a good point, God. There are times when I think maybe I haven’t quite figured everything out yet.”
“You don’t have a clue.”
“Thank you, God. Say, as long as we are chatting about things in general, I don’t suppose there is anything you can do about the stock market? Check that. Of course there is something you can do about the stock market. But will you?”
“Nope. But I will tell you that until people quit buying what they can’t afford, always insisting on bigger cars and nicer houses, living a life of greed, nothing is going to change much. Now, go eat your mashed potatoes before they get cold. You’ve wasted just about everything else I’ve given you. Don’t waste those.”
(Ned Cantwell – ncantwell@beyondbb.com – ate every scrap on his plate.)