My dad was worried.
“If something happens to you, we don’t have the money to get you out,” I remember him telling me. “Don’t get into trouble and keep your nose clean.”
I was 16 years old when I decided to leave my family, my friends and my hometown to embark on a journey to Germany. I had just received a scholarship to attend high school in a foreign country halfway across the world.
My dad was not afraid I would fail or not succeed. He was concerned because he was no longer responsible for my destiny. Each decision I would make from that point forward would determine everything. He finished by saying, “Ok. Go ahead. Be careful. I love you.”
This Thanksgiving season, I continue a series of essays that look to the reasons why we succeed and fail as a community. A recent national poll ranked Espanola the worst city in New Mexico. We have to find a path out of last place and discover how we can show gratitude toward the things that matter most — in short, we need to see what sheds light on the road to redemption.
Today I show gratitude to my dad who taught me that consequences matter — and they are a good thing. Too often we hear that we ought to mitigate or lessen the pain of consequences.
In fact, we’re taught to eliminate them altogether lest we have to deal with them. Look at the “everyone gets a trophy” world we live in today. In order not to hurt the feelings of those who didn’t win, we think everyone deserves a first-place ribbon.
We are a society hellbent on making sure that everyone feels equal.
We are told that poor mijito/a shouldn’t be told “no,” because he’s too sensitive — or worse, that he doesn’t know how to cope with rejection. He might react with anger and nagging. So, it’s best to just give in and tell him, “Ok”. I’ve discussed the mijito syndrome ad nauseam. It begins with parents thinking their children can’t live with being told no and it ends with their children unable to cope with the world around them. Their consequences were lessened, removed, and mitigated because poor mijito can’t live on his own.
Maybe this problem of no consequences is due to laziness. We can’t turn a blind eye to parents who don’t discipline their children because it’s too hard or takes too much energy. How many times have you said or heard someone next to you in line at the grocery store or inside a restaurant say, “stop it.” “No really. Stop it. I mean it this time.” Children left with hallow words and empty promises recognize that their actions go undisciplined. Lack of consequences effect everyone.
According to a research report, the parents of highly successful children say they never did anything for their kids couldn’t do for themselves. In other words, when parents allow children to do well and fail on their own, the children gain the skills necessary to overcome challenges and achieve great success. Consequences, therefore, create outstanding consequences. Too often we’re waiting with the safety net before children have even have a chance to take the first step. We pay their bills before they know what it really means to do without. We think, “ay, pobrecito, what is he going to do without gas or luz?”
I may not have the answer to what put that person in a position of need, a position of needing a bail out, but I can assure you that the first time he or she doesn’t have gas or luz, they are going to work really hard- like really hard to never be in that situation again. Allow the children in our valley to fail in order to push harder and stronger in ways that they never have before. Allow us to suffer so that we work so gosh darned hard (and trust me, my imagination is using much stronger words) that we never feel the pain of being without ever again. Allow consequences to hurt. Allow children to push us further.
Last night I reached out to some friends and family. I told them I loved them and tried to tell them how much they mean to me because telling people how much you love them and what they mean to you is the ultimate form of gratitude. It shows the ultimate surrender and vulnerability. God did that with sacrifice and so do we. Give your time. Give your glance and a smile. People will appreciate it. Give others patience. Give them the beauty of experiencing the consequences that come with life. Being grateful means saying I love you. Be careful with everyone you know. Thanks, dad for teaching me to love, to show gratitude, and that consequences matter.
Javier Sánchez is the former mayor of the City of Española, NM, and the co-owner of La Cocina New Mexican Restaurant.