Watching something fall to the ground and being unable to reach for it is difficult to accept. I was performing my morning ritual the other day of making coffee. The bag of beans slipped through my fingers. There was no quick reflex to catch it or ninja-like reaction, just frustration and a sad look on my face.
I had surgery on my shoulder three weeks ago and have had to wear a brace. Everything I do must be performed one-handed. Getting through the everyday challenges without the usual tools in your wheel house is difficult to accept. Overcoming these obstacles requires patience and endurance because everything you do takes twice as long — like making coffee. When I saw the bag of coffee beans start to fall, I realized that letting go is hard to do.
Which begs the question: Why do we hold on to things in the first place? What are the things, people and habits that we are so afraid to let go? Why can’t we just shake it off? Sometimes we’re afraid to let go of toxic relationships (and even good ones) because we’re afraid of being left alone.
The exasperation of loneliness supersedes the harm of co-dependency and the physical or mental harm it may bring. Breaking cycles of dysfunction is hard to do. We fear the emptiness of what remains after we let go. What if I can’t fill the void? So we stay with what is known and comfortable.
Sometimes we’re afraid to let go of our children. Maybe they’re going off to college. Maybe they’re making decisions on their own and we want to be right there by their side. Letting go of the people we empower, have taught to make good choices, and raised, ought to be a great moment of passage; not so much for them, but for you.
I couldn’t be more proud of the mom who has given her son everything he needs to thrive at New Mexico State University or anywhere life takes him … and then lets go. Don’t worry, my friend, he will make you more proud than you can ever believe. I’ll toast a glass of champagne to that.
Our inability to let go often has to do with our desire to control ourselves. In classic psychoanalytic theory, Sigmund Freud, argues that children first start to hold on to things at the age of potty training. In defiance of parent authority and at the moment a child recognizes he or she can “hold on” by not going potty, we learn to gain pleasure in not letting go.
Just think of that look you get when you tell your child, “go potty” as they sit on the toilet. They look up at you with that evil smile as if to say, “nuh uh”. The anal retentive stage, as it is known, teaches us that control can be pleasurable and bring us the attention we desire.
Sometimes letting go is a choice, and other times it happens to you. Either way, change provides the opportunity to turn toward things that matter most: yourself. Fear of letting go places greater emphasis on the thing. It gives the external world power over us.
I attended the swearing-in for newly elected councilors at the Convento last week. What a joyous occasion for those who want to make a difference. I applaud the efforts of newcomers and the tried and true alike. For those no longer in office, my friends Manny Martinez and Dennis Tim Salazar, I’m sure the occasion is bittersweet. Not moving forward in a world you have come to love and hate brings feelings of sadness and reflection, but letting go is about parting ways with the past and making room for yourself, your friends and most importantly your family.
Dennis Tim served 20 consecutive years as councilor, saw five mayors come and go, and still managed to stay head-strong. He is the second-longest serving councilor.
Councilor Manny Martinez served for 12 years. Letting go of that which has remained central to your identity for so long is difficult. Opening space for change, improvement and reflection only makes you better and perhaps strengthened for what lies ahead.
We hold on to the things that people tell us, thoughts and sadness. We hold on to the glory of a once lived moment. Though we cannot forget the past, and as the saying goes; those who forget it are condemned to repeat it.
When it comes to things like commentary, opinions, fear and things we cannot control — let it go. Letting go is hope for the future. Letting go is power. Get back in the game and concentrate on what matters most: You.
Javier Sanchez is a Rio Grande Sun columnist, local business owner, and former Española Mayor.