The following is a true story but the SUN hid the identity of the victim at her request.
Domestic abuse can be subtle, it may start with jealousy, then move on to control and all the while it’s disguised as love, Martha said. Martha knows the pattern well because she has experienced it.
For five years she was on the receiving end of an abusive relationship, she said. And it was not until she escaped that she realized that what she went through was abuse, she said.
“It was very much jealousy related,” she said. “If I was five minutes late from work, well, I was already sleeping with everyone on the way home in his head.”
At first it was just arguing and accusations, she said.
“Afterward he would say, ‘I’m sorry. I do that because I love you so much and I don’t want you to be with someone else,’” she said.
It didn’t matter that she was not with other men, she said. Soon he was following her around and calling her workplace every hour to make sure she was there.
“He would stalk me,” she said.
Martha would face interrogations when she got home, she said.
“He would ask, ‘Where did you go? Are you sure that’s where you were? Are you sure that’s all?’ And God forbid I forgot to mention that I stopped to get gas, because then I was a liar and I would get it,” she said.
Eventually Martha grew tired of answering her boyfriend’s accusations and that’s when the abuse got physical.
Martha said once while trying to run out the door he grabbed her, tore off all her clothes and left her outside — naked.
“Where could I go without any clothes,” she said.
Once she locked herself in the bathroom and anticipating he would throw down the door hid in the shower. He tore down the shower curtain and proceeded to beat her.
“They hit you in places where no one sees,” she said.
Her experience wasn’t limited to beatings, Martha was sexually abused as well, she said.
The abuse was always followed with what is known as the honeymoon phase.
“He would buy me things, take me for long walks, talk to me so nice,” she said. “But it was always my fault. He would say, ‘Sorry but if you hadn’t done this or said that I wouldn’t have done it.’ By that point you’re so drained you just take it. I knew it was wrong, but when you have a new relationship, a new home, you want a good future and you try to work things out.”
Plus, Martha said, she had financial issues. Debt that she incurred while in the relationship tied to her boyfriend.
Martha said her family had suspicions, but she never told them the whole story. Her boyfriend would limit her visits to see them, promising to go on another weekend, telling her she couldn’t go without him, she said.
When she had tried to leave, he threatened to kill himself, she said. He even went so far as to lay beneath her car when she was trying to leave.
“The manipulation is what makes it so hard,” she said. “You just wake up feeling guilty. That’s your routine.”
Martha is still shaken when she talks about what she endured — her eyes began to water and her speech quickened.
“It’s horrible to let someone abuse you like that,” she said. “Why did I allow it?”
Martha didn’t leave the relationship voluntarily, she said. He left her for another woman.
“He’s probably still doing the same thing,” she said.
But even though she was out of the relationship, she said she still had some healing to do. Which is why she sought counseling at the Crisis Center of Northern New Mexico, she said.
It took her about a year to finally find that healing, she said, and move on to a healthy relationship.
“I’m proud to say I’m a survivor and I’m going to stay that way,” she said.
Crisis Center Executive Director Carol Merriweather said Martha’s story is familiar to the women who work at the Center.
The first thing women need to do to protect themselves is to be educated on what constitutes abuse, Shelter Director Loretta Garcia said.
“Most people think it’s only physical violence,” Merriweather said. “We see now in our area a lot of it is psychological,” she said.
This includes isolation from friends and family, name calling, ridicule and financial control, she said.
“Some women are just so amazed that it’s abuse,” said Maria Terrazas, who is the victim’s first contact at the Center. “Women will call and say, ‘This is going on, but he’s never hit me.’”
Since abuse is about power and control, Merriweather said, it sometimes never involves actual physical violence. Things like withholding affection, and ignoring a partner’s needs is also psychological abuse, she said.
“It’s not going to get any better, it gets worse,” she said.
Merriweather said people in abusive situations need to realize that abuse affects the entire family. If there are children in the picture they are also being harmed, she said, and even the abuser needs help. Realizing this is one of first steps toward getting help, she said.
There are many reasons that an abused person may overlook the abuse, Merriweather said.
Some of it might seem romantic, she said.
“He needs me, he wants to protect me,” she said. “On the one hand he’s telling you he loves you, but on the other he’s withholding who you are, your self expression,” she said.
Early exposure to domestic violence, or even just abusive behavior, is also a factor, she said.
“If you’ve been raised in that situation, you let a lot of it happen to you before you do anything,” she said.
However, for a long time domestic abuse has been a hidden crime, Merriweather said.
“If it wasn’t your partner or spouse it would be against the law,” she said. “If you went out and took someone’s money and took their keys and wouldn’t let them drive, the police would be there in a heartbeat.”
Once a woman is able to spot the red flags it’s important to have a safety plan, Garcia said.
If a fight starts make sure to be in a safe place, she said. Stay out of the kitchen where knives are available, she said. Have some bags packed and important documents ready to go, such as birth certificates and social security cards, she said.
Put away money, she said. Garcia said this may be hard to do if a person is in a situation where someone is controlling their finances and keeping track of everything they spend. But even if it means just keeping the loose change from trips to the grocery store it helps, she said. And if there is no other way, borrow the money from someone, said Michelle Medina, who works in billing and grants for the Center.
Having a support system can also be hard for those being isolated, Garcia said. But it’s important, even if social interaction is limited, to have a support system, even if it’s just one person. Terrazas said.
Code words can also help, Garcia said. Have a word that if you are on the phone with someone you can say and they know it means to call the police. If children are in the home it can be a code to let them know when to get out of the house, she said.
“It’s important to be thinking ahead of what to do to stay safe,” Merriweather said.
The Center is a 24-hour option, she said.
“Call us,” she said.
Merriweather said all phone calls are completely anonymous. Making a phone call doesn’t mean that a person is going to be forced to come in to the shelter, Merriweather said it’s just a way to get informed.
“We’re not going to make them leave their husband unless they are in immediate danger,” she said.
Stopping by is also an option, she said. It only takes five minutes, she said, and it can be done on the way home from dropping the kids off to school, she said.
The Center would never compromise a person’s safety and they are understanding that it is hard to leave a person that you love, she said.
“It’s hard, no one’s going to say it’s easy, but there is help, and we’ll help them through the process,” she said.
The Center is also a resource for concerned friends and family to get more information, she said.
“People with friends and family going through this, don’t be afraid to call it what it is,” she said.
The Center is the only emergency women’s shelter in all of Rio Arriba County. It is tied in with law enforcement all over the county, Merriweather said. If a person calls their local law enforcement agency they can be taken to the shelter, she said.
North Central Community Based Services in Chama also has an advocate and counselor available, and can connect individuals with the Center, she said.
Keep in mind, Merriweather said, that abuse is not limited to women. Men can be victims too and domestic abuse is also an issue in the gay and lesbian community, she said.
“It’s issues of control,” she said. “If you feel like you’re in an unsafe situation you are. It’s as simple as that.”